Man...this is so fucked up, it really is...it's gross when this journal has gone from a venting place to a place of politics.  I hate the world.  I really do...I'm gonna keep on writing though because it's all I do.


Walking away from a fight with sword in hand
He steps on the flowers, to wish
to live again..

I'm starting to slip.  In dumb ways...but I know I'm gonna seriously slip soon and something bad is going to be the result of it.  Ugh, I hate waiting.  I hate the inbetween time.

Well, that's what makes it what it is I suppose.  I'm not happy.  Wish it ocul be better...

G'night everyone.  =/.

So yea, feeling better now..

I had a violin lesson, which went surprisingly well.  I got my new piece, and the first page really isn't so bad so I'm pretty entertained about that.  All the notes and fignering just seem to kinda fit, I dunno, it -feels- nice to play.  That may sound bizzare, but you'd understand if you played violin.

Yea, I was just thinking of how Katie used to play violin.  Feckin weird, that was so long ago.  Ah, the beauty of childhood memories..

Well, for those who don't know, I often post a lot when I'm stressed- it's a simple ratio actually.  My stress level is directly proportional to the amount I post.  So yea. 

I've found that I've been lieing more and more latley.  Whenever I'm accused of something which I simply don't feel like dealing with, or with something that I changed my mind about, I lie.

I've also noticed that when people don't hear me say anything, they make assumptions based on what they want.  Like someone said I was mad at Em before.  I'm guessing that's because I avoided just about everyone during lunch and didn't talk.  Well, let's see..if I look upset, would I ignore everyone because I'm, say, angry?  Uhm...no? 

I -really- hate freshman, and the amount of freshman I don't like has been increasining.  It's mostly Em's friends, I -really- don't like them, I dont like to be around them but there's really not much I can do about that.  I've been avoiding everyone.  Seriously, it feels right now that the only way any freshman know how to deal with shit is to just be angry. 

I dunno, I'm a shit bag so whatever.  If I don't talk to you- please, do me a favor and get angry at me, see how far it'll get to you.  If I cut myself- by all means, get in my face about it.  Becauyse that's a sure fire way to solve a problem right?  I'm sorry I'm upsetting you by cutting myself?  Wtf am I supposed to say to that?  If I'm upset- hell, start looking at me as if I have three heads.  Don't even bother to ask me what's wrong- I mean, why would anyone ask me what's wrong, or if I'm ok?  That's too logical, your right. 

I hate freshman.  I really do.  Not all of them, but I can saftley say I hate more freshman then I like. 

I promise you that if anyone starts thinking I'm angry at them or I have this "Greater then thou" attitude and starts getting pissy with me, I have -no- patience left.  Not like anyone's been pushing my patience.  But when I'm off my meds, I really get very iritable.  And almost 90% of the time I'm a freakin nice guy.  I've -never- done anything mean to any of my friends that I can think of, and if I have I've apologized whole heartedly and tried to make up, and it was an honest mistake.  So for people to get pissy at me because I finally feel like fucking being myself, well...that's their problem, I really don't give a shit.  Honestly, I'm fucking human, get over it. 

Whatever.  There isn't a problem yet, but I know one is most likley on it's way. 

I'm really angry now.  No, not angry, frustrated.  I hate dealign with people.  I hate even looking at them, I hate -being- a person.  I hate dealing with myself.  I'm not a people person.

Ugh.  A stain on a white rug makes it all the more noticable.  A stain on a black rug however isn't so noticable.  Excuse me for being so fucking pristine.

-Now- I almost regret making this.  Though I have to admit, Blog pretty much beats the shit outa DJ. 

"You update your journal a lot in a very short span of time".  Yes, very true.

Hey, I'm the most fucked up person your ever going to meet, and I seirously mean it.  Don't' take me seriously, and don't judge me because I'm so many things that you don't even know.  I'm am the -single- most fucked up person you'll meet for a long time.  Man, if any of you think -your- depressed, you don't even know the half of it.  Depressed doesn't even describe me- I'm just the most fucked up person you know now and that's the only way to describe me. 

You may be thining I mean one thing, but I don't mean that.  I don't even mean the other thing your thinking, or even the opposite of that.  Whatever I mean, it's nothing that your thinking of, I gaurentee.

Whoever the hell is reading this, take those words to heart.  Stop making fucking assumptions about me.  Because you really don't know anything about me, and that's because I let you know nothing about me. 

And if you hate me after this, or think I'm a dick, then all the more power to you because it's me who'll be going insane over one less person liking me, not you. 

Wait a minute!!

If your perfect, your insane; if your insane, your perfect

What if I'm just perfectly insane?

"Your crazy", she said

"Obviously that's the fucking point ya dumb bitch!" was my sincere reply!

HAHA

Fucking hit me.

Everything seems so unauthetic.  I really don't know how to put words to it at all anymore, I just wanna curl up and cry because I really don't know what to do or how to deal with this anymore.  Ugh, such simple statements just repeated like a broken record from people who have already said it all and set in our minds rythyms and patterns to talk by.  >_<. 

I'm prety sure I'm creeping Adrienne out.  I really don't give a shit..No, I -really- do but I'm gonna pretend I don't...

The reason I don't write much about Emily is because after I don't see her for lik 3 days I get frustrated...I mean, not at her.  I dunno.  I was talkin to Bonnie about how all I care about are serious relationships....and this -really- doesn't seem too serious.  I dunno...time time time

cut cut cut. Going out of my fucking mind.  I want to write about so much but I don't want t be awake right now.

Egh, fucking christ, every time I talk about anything or try and open up with anyone I feel worse.

I really just wanna shout, I hate being limited to the fucking text on this.